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Have you ever tried walking a straight line in the snow? No matter how much you think you’re walking as straight as a compass, when you turn around, you realize your path is comparable to that of a dog on a sidewalk full of fire hydrants.

Well, that’s been me the last few months. I set out on this blog journey to pursue God’s love and I feel as if I’ve lost sight of what straight and true is. I think the end of last year derailed me.

I’ve heard it said that if you’re lost in the desert, you’ll unconsciously step a little to the right with each step so that you end up literally going in a vast circle. I’m using a lot of path analogies, but that’s because I realize we don’t lose sight of things quickly. We get derailed, lose North, or walk in circles one degree at a time.

I didn’t realize I had gotten off course until a few nights ago. I woke up at 3:45 a.m. with a throbbing headache. The headache drudged up one concern related to another which was connected to another which made me question my entire life and lifestyle—you know how it goes—until I was pacing the room, squeezing my head, unsure what hurt more.

But hardest of all, I found my faith was hurting too. I didn’t even want to pray.

In the morning, I was ashamed of my lack of faith and that something as small as a headache (which still hadn’t gone away) could produce such a reaction. But I realized it had been a slow fade.

I’d lost sight of God’s character. I’d forgotten His love. All I could see was months and months of struggle and unanswered prayers.

And once again I wondered…will I ever know this love in such a way that it’s instinctive and not a mental sticky note I have to remind myself of? God’s love is true and absolute which means it’s able to be possessed and experienced. I just wonder if I’ll ever live inside it and not come for quick visits.

I need to know God’s character better. Not the Sunday School answers, but the knowledge gained through experience, interaction, and study. Step one can only be reading the Bible. And reading it like crazy because I find my mind doesn’t retain casual reading very well.

Let’s challenge one another to be in the Word. Life—and how God’s character pertains to it—can only be put into focus through the lenses of Scripture. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to keep losing focus and getting off track.

3 thoughts on “A Confession (There’s More series, pt. 5)

  1. I can totally relate. For several months last year, all I had was unanswered prayers and disappointment. But I stuck with God, and began to press in. I’m going to email you with some of the results. Press in. Don’t give up. Keep on keeping on. It’s a decision to follow God no matter what – a this point. You can do it, Meagan. I’m cheering you on! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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